Because the only good thing to do in retrospect is learn.
1. Your First Boyfriend
He’s nice, enough. You’ll be in the car the first time he gets pulled over for speeding, and you’ll be there when he tells his parents about it. His parents will like you more than you like him. He sets the standard for how you expect to be treated over the next few years, but you will outgrow him. He might not ever forgive you for that.
2. The Drummer
This is the first person you met with tattoos. The drummer is not that interested in anything you’re saying. He wants to start a band, but all his roommates play percussion, too. He shares a two-bedroom with four roommates and splits one pack of Ramen into three meals each day so he can afford to buy weed. He will skip town to ride to Austin, Texas with 10 people in a 9-passenger van. None of them brought enough money.
3. The Poet
Being a muse was fun until it became a harsh look in the mirror. The poet was sweet and sensitive, but he professed his love to you in a room full of strangers and probably only did it for the snaps. You’ll try to wipe this moment from your memory and move forward, but his performance has 56 views on YouTube. You can’t go back to the bar where this happened because you’re pretty sure he did a breakup poem, too. You can’t find that one on YouTube.
4. The Skater
This guy will never seek medical attention, but you probably should after dating him. You will watch his roommate’s friend’s cousin reset his broken arm in their kitchen. He will barf from the pain. He will try to kiss you after that. You will regretfully comply, then block his number as you leave.
5. The Philosopher
He rolls his own cigarettes and tucks his hair behind his ears a little too often. He doesn’t drink, but he loves drugs. He has plans to move to the west coast, but he never will. He wears socks with his Birkenstocks and believes Nietzche was a nihilist. You let it slide because were charmed by the philosophers he compared you to – until you realize it’s because there wasn’t much else to talk about.
6. The One Looking for a Mom
He grew up with sisters. He is sweet. He seems, sort of, clueless. The next thing you know, you’re giving him directions to the DMV and explaining why he needs to file taxes. He will ask you if he has to eat his spinach. You will throw the plate away along with your now-dead relationship.
7. The Suit
This guy wears a blazer to the park. He makes very intense direct eye contact for short bursts of time. This will dupe you into believing in a connection. This guy still owns a blackberry. He is married to it. Somehow he will always miss your call. You two will never actually break up; you’ll just mysteriously fall out of contact.
8. The Guy Who Needs an Assistant
He shared his iCalendar with you on the third date. You’ll start picking up his dry cleaning and letting out his dog. He always needs a favor. You’ll realize it’s because he has no time to do these things himself. Every date turns out to be a networking event where you’re left standing by the bar. He likes you, but only about as much as the last assistant – I mean girlfriend.
9. The One Who Loves Kids
He loves his nieces and nephews. He coaches little league. He dreams of teaching his son to play catch. He hangs out with his parents… on purpose? Why does he want a boy so badly? You realize you don’t even like children. You tolerate children. You introduce him to your nice friend with baby-fever and kindly step aside.
10. Your First Love
He will reset the standard the first guy set. You will change your life for him. You will feel as if your entire life has locked into place, and anything that existed before him was only a backstory leading up to this absolute apex of blissful Disney love. One of you will stop loving the other first. Don’t freak out. It happens.
11. Your Best Friend
All of your previous S.O.’s hated this guy. He already knows your family, and probably stood up for you while they shit-talked your last ten boyfriends when you were out of town. You are unsure whether you find him sexually attractive. You two get drunk enough to kiss one night and try to sweep it under the rug. You can either marry him or the friendship is over. It’s Sophie’s choice. Yay, Sophie.